Errant Student

2003-04-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

Why won't my last post show up?

2003-04-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

Fuck this, my errant and hysterical ways are really catching up with me, and the problem is, i love the way it is now, the situation suitably balanced, moderate, freeing and yet secure, i love that, but evidently he can't deal with that, so i should probably start acting like a normal human being if i want to keep him for a friend.

2003-03-31T12:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, and how many years must some people exist before they're allowed to be free?
That is, students.
We need a new category for people like me - JRP. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, think about Westchester versus Brooklyn, and what's in between (me).
Seeing l. again on thursday. it's stupid. really stupid to plan these things out. i mean, with him, the whole point was that it was spontaneous. impulsive, if you will. we used to live on the same floor, you see. i'd show up at his door in my pajamas at three in the morning. he didn't mind.
What the fuck is the deal with my lnr teacher calling Francis Fukayama a racist? He's not a fucking racist! How do you get racist - nay, blantant racist - from "social policity can't solve all problems, because you can't legislate industry, curiosity, and ambition. you can give people opportunities but you can't make them want to take advantage of them." How is that racist??
I bet l. would disagree. He's the most "white" black person I know. He talks white, acts white... god, the black thing is so irrelevant. I mean, the nose shape and the hair texture and all that I find amusing sometimes, but... well, i thought it was funny that he said, "you don't see colors in the dark." i don't object to seeing colors!
this weekend was two museums, an opera, and a play. fuck yeah. and you ask why i live here. Where else would I live? next weekend might also be fun, either ariadne (strauss) or parsifal (wagner). this girl in my lnr class started berating me because i didn't like shostakovich. i was like, sorry! i "watch" operas, you know. they're entertaining. what the fuck is wrong with that?

2003-03-27T00:37:00.000-08:00

It's my party and I cry if I want to, cry if I want to, you would cry too if it happened to you!

2003-03-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

And wow, I really cannot stop typing. I just don't get where all my friends are. Where are my friends? Why aren't they there for me when I need help, when I'm confused, depressed, lonely, guilty, or - worst of all - full of doubt? Who will listen and nod and provide good advice for free? This is so useless...

2003-03-27T00:17:00.000-08:00

Wow, I think this will be my blog for v. (ex) and l. (the s&m bi male slut I hook up with sometimes). In my regular online shpiel I talk about my classes, my family, my friends, my psychology, books, movies, poems, philosophy, etc. Here it will all be just sex and angst. I don't know what to do now. On the one hand I desperately don't want to lose v. as a friend. On the other... there is no other. None. He just keeps saying that we're fooling ourselves. And I think that it's possible to turn an ex into a truly good friend, make this into something positive - but oops, no, I'm fooling myself. We can't. And we're not getting back together. Every time he asks I say no. Afraid of saying yes for fear he's kidding, or it will just be worse the second time around. We're both so fucking idealistic and vulnerable, but he's quite capable of being a jerk and an asshole, too, and while I try to be a bitch sometimes, it never works out. My guilt was eating me alive when I was cheating on him. And it still feels like cheating. But I miss warm, soft-lipped, cuddly l. Spooning's the best... Mmm... no idea what's going on or what skills I need to deal with it.

2003-03-26T19:39:00.000-08:00

So I counted with a floormate all the taboos I was breaking with that gentleman. Height, figure, race, ethnicity, interests, lifestyle - not to mention that, at the time, we lived on the same floor and I was dating someone. Now that's no longer the case - but the fact remains, he's a polyamorous (read, promiscuous male slut), bisexual, sado-masochistic haitian poli sci major the same height as me for crying out loud. I'm quite small. He's the dynamic, polar opposite of every other attraction I've ever had.
Why do they care about "cute?" My god, you're born with cute, but skills - those you acquire. All cats look the same in the dark, but not all cats know your body like a map and have a perfect awareness of every obscure but potentially pleasure-inducing spot. He's black, I'm white, but hands and tongue do not discriminate on that basis, so why should I? He's just good...

2003-03-26T19:32:00.000-08:00

Strange how freeing it is to be able to write of my adventures. Over at my regular online shpiel, they know me in real life. I feel muzzled. Here - type away. Last night... well, nothing new happened last night. Nothing really new. He came over. We kissed and hugged all night. He caressed every inch of me that I permitted. He kissed the insides of my knees for twenty minutes. He is heartless and artful - a lethal combination. He asked, rhetorically, "Do you have any expectations?" I knew the right answer. I'm a good student. Just ask my professors. It was wonderful. We slept in the spooning position. Only for a few hours and then woke up to kiss again. Slept for another hour and more kissing. And he's so polite, so gallant, so heartless. He phrases requests in the form of "Would you be so kind?" How can I not? He skipped cc so we could make out more. He doesn't usually skip classes. He's a good student. Poli sci major. He's obsessed with architecture. Then there's the S&M thing. So many taboos. Anyway, I'm single now. But I still felt guilty. My ex, darling fellow, came over today, and I told him - a little - and he got that moist look in his eyes, and turned away, and I begged him to tell me I was free. And when he told me I was not satisfied. I said I didn't want to be free. He said too bad. I love everyone in different ways, but I don't want to hurt anyone at all.